Harry Potter Song Parodies
by anti-pookie
Summary: PookietoyourMaureen and myself wrote song parodies based off of songs from our favorite musicals. Spawn of Satan, potion, mathematics, isolation, swishes, flicking, power, harmony and heavy Dumblelation!
1. La Vie Phoenix

_**Disclaimer: Neither I, nor the TOTALLY AWESOME Anti-Pookie are J. K. Rowling, Darren Criss, A. J. Holmes, Matt Holmes, (And I continue to list all the names of everyone in/who worked on A Very Potter Musical with the help of Anti-Pookie, because Anti-Pookie is so TOTALLY AWESOME that she knows waaaaay more than me.) **Yes, I do, because I rock and am TOTALLY AWESOME in that way.- Anti-pookie She spilled water on her boob! it was funny. Sorry for that bit of randomness.- Anti-pookie** Really Rach? Must we inform the world of my poor drinking habits?** Yes. I think the owrld needs to be warned of how stupid and challenged you are. You are a hazard to the world's sanity. **The owrld needs to know? The OWRLD?** Sorry. I type fast and your keyboard kind of sucks! **Excuse me? This TOTALLY AWESOME keyboard is, like, my bestest buddy in the entire owrld.** WHAT?!? I thought that was me! Traitor! I'm not talking to you anymore! **And...she turns her back to me....Well, I'm not going to explain that she can't be both my bestest buddy and my Lesbonic....lesbonic? Lesbian lover.** Sure I can! Tons of people say they're boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is their bestest buddy! **ANYWAYS, as this has gotten to 233 words, I think we should continue our disclaimer.** Actually, by the time you said it was 233 words, it had actually been 239. Unless you want to count the number as a word. Then it's--**OKAY, OKAY! 239! 239! Are you happy? ARE YOU CONTENT?** Well, now it's more than 239, so... I'm gonna have to say no. **Ignoring this, I shall continue to say, we are also not the publishers of any Harry Potter works, RENT works, or any type of anything in general.** You forgot to say that we're not Jonathon Larson! How could you forget Jonathon Larson? **Because, I didn't He gets an entire paragraph to himself for memorial and credit and disclaimer and such! Or, at least, he was SUPPOSED to, but now that we've said we aren't, I suppose there isn't any pooint! Stalks off to a corner to poout.** Well, it's probably a good thing that we're not. I think the disclaimer is too long by now anyway. There is no POOINT so top POOUTING. **How can I top poouting? And I don't really want to...Joe Walker is much hotter then poouting... **That should be THAN not THEN. **You can tell what we're like from the fact that THAT'S what she commented on. So we now don't need an intro for us EITHER! Herumph! **Well, Joe Walker is hot. I didn't see anything weird about saying so! Actually, he's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! **Please tell me your still going to read our version of La Vie Boheme....** YOU'RE, not YOUR. Tsk, tsk. I really need to give you grammar lessons. **HAVE I NOT MEANTIONED I WENT TO BED AT OUR STANDARD TIME (2 for all y'alls who don't know) AND WOKE UP AT FOUR? ...Oh...wait...** No, you haven't. And for the record, I went to bed at 2, too. Hehe. Two too. **Rachel, this is not a ballet. I think we should start typing out La Vie Pheonix now, though.** La Vie PHOENIX. You really do need grammar lessons! And I told you how to spell that, too. **THAT'S NOT GRAMMAR! 'Tis spelling, it is! Shut up about my Yoda-ing.** Spelling is a part of grammar. They are almost always grouped together. **Because they're--You know what? We shall argue about this in real life. People reading this only came for La Vie PHOENIX and any other Harry Potter Song Parody Fics we post**. OK. We shall shut our ungodly, lopsided mouths. **Ten points to Dumbledore! --Dumbledore** Enjoy the song! Or don't enjoy it. Whatever floats your boat. Hehe, that rhymes! And rhyming is like being shiny! **Uh...Rach? A. You totally stole rhyming is like being shiny from me. And 2. That's a HORRID thing to tell them! Enjoy it! Enjoy it even if it doesn't float your boat! Which rhymes much better. And sounds dirtier. =]** A and 2? What comes next, green? **No, orange actually. I can keep going, too. It's all planned out.** Anywho... I love that word. Anywho... Now we will shut up, and you will read. DO IT! I SAID READ!!!!!!!!!! **Actually, you said 'DO IT'...** Before that, I said 'You will read'. You never listen to me! Sobs uncontrolably **OKAY. READ. I shall handle my emotional girlfriend--who is actually the less emotional of the two of us...hmm...anyways. READ. And RAED. But that's besides the point.**_

_That is the longest disclaimer I've ever seen... SHUTTING UP NOW!_

_**Important Note: We actually have rehearsed this (As we're going to try and put it on Youtube) so everything either works, we made it work, or is just hilarious in it's not working-ness. **So suck it._

* * *

_La Vie Phoenix_

* * *

Draco:

Harry—I'm surprised

A rich and famous bloke like you

Hangs out with these mudbloods

(And filthy blood traitors)

They make fun—Yet I am the one

Attempting to go to Pigfarts

Or do you really wanna make your starts

With mudbloods on top of the class?

His death, his death

Dumbledore is such a dive

This is the truth

The Dark Lord is alive.

Fred & George:

Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbye.

Here we lie

No one knew our worth

The late, great army of Dumbledorth

On these nights, when we celebrate the birth

In that little town of Godric's Hollow

We raise our glass—You bet your ass to

La Vie Phoenix

All:

La Vie Phoenix

La Vie Phoenix

La Vie Phoenix

La Vie Phoenix

Harry:

To days of divination

Hermione:

Reading spellbooks

Ron:

Eating treacle tart and chicken

Harry, Ron, & Hermione:

The need to express

To communicate

Fred, George, & Lee:

To going against the grain

Going insane

All:

Going mad

Fred, George, & Lee:

To loving tension, no pension,

To more than one dimension,

To starving for attention,

Hating detention, hating pretension

Fred & George:

Not to mention, of course,

Hating dear old Umbridge

To riding your broom

Midday past the Quidditch pitch,

To witch, to that toad bitch,

To ditch—to choice,

To the Loony's voice

To any passing fad

All:

To being an us for once-

Instead of a you!

La Vie Phoenix

La Vie Phoenix

Harry:

Is my potions homework done?

Hermione:  
It is, Harry.

Harry:

Can you write my history essay?

You got this.

Umbridge:

Hem, hem

Harry:

Hey mister, she's my sister

Fred & George:

So that's five daydream charms,

Four fainting fancies,

Three pigmy puffs,

Two love potions,

And one decoy detonator

Ron:

Sweet.

George:

Five galleons.

Fred:

Put down another order.

Fred & George:

And thirteen orders of hats.

Is that it here?

All:

Butterbeer!

Ron:

To Honeyduke's chocolate made in Hogsmeade

To pudding, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese--

Draco:

To leather, to dildos--

Ron:

To steak and kidney pie

To Cool-Ranch Doritos to white and wheat and rye.

Hermione & Ginny:

Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion

Creation, vacation

Ron & Draco:

Mucho Masturbation!

Hermione & Ginny:

Compassion, to fashion, to passion

When it's new

Neville:

To Luna

Sirius:

To Lupin

All:

To anything tabooed

Mad-Eye, Remus, Sirius, and Tonks

Dumbledore:

Severus

George:

Shacklebolt

Ron:

To Bacon!

Harry:

To seven

Neville:

To heaven

Snape:

Lily Evans, too.

Remus & Sirius:

Why Lily and James went- into hiding

To blow off Voldemort

All:

La Vie Phoenix

Harry:

And figure out the next Horcrux.

Hermione:

Yes, Harry.

Harry:

You got this

Draco:

Single?

Ron:

You wish

Goyle:

Goyle rules!

Dumbledore:

Hippogriff, Dand-der-ruff, Homo Sapiens

Luna & Trelawney:

Carcinogens, hallucinogens

All Girls:

Men!

All:

Apparation

To Griffindor

Hufflepuff

Ravenclaw

Not Slytherin

Hagrid, Sirius, Remus, Quirrel, Mad-Eye & Lockhart:

Animagi, wild kappa

Veela--

Sirius:

Werewolf-a!

Hermione & Ginny:

To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy

Hagrid, Sirius, Remus, Quirrel, Mad-Eye & Lockhart:

Sorcerer, Astrology, Dementors

Harry:

To no shame, always playing the fame game

Crabbe:

To Marijuana!

Ron & Harry:

To spew!

Harry:

It's between Ron and me

Hermione:

It's S-P-E--

Umbridge:

Filch! Filch! Filch!

All:

La Vie Phoenix

George:

In honor of the death of the D.A. an impromtu salon will commence immediately following dinner. Seamus Finnigan, our TOTALLY AWESOME Leprechaun, will do a traditional Irish clog dance while accompanying _herself_ on the electric cello

Fred & George:

Which she ain't never studied

Voldemort:

And Quirrel will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on the high killing days

Fred:

And Harry will attempt to coach the Griffindor Quidditch team

Fred & George:

And _not_ remind us of Sean Biggerstaff.

Lee:

And the twins will recount their exploits as anarchists—Including the tale of their successful reprogramming of Umbridge's quill to self-destruct as it writes the words:

All:

Totally awesome—Act up—Fight Umbridge!

La Vie Phoenix

* * *

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George were walking down the corridors after the episode in the Great Hall. As they walked up to the Griffindor Common Room, Hermione turned to Ron. "Mucho masturbation? _Really_ Ronald!"

"It rhymed!" Ron protested vehemently.

"Did anyone else notice Goyle looked....Guilty?" Ginny asked with a giggle.

"Not as guilty as Ron!" Fred grinned.

"I was the one who said it, you git!"

"A confession!" George said, poking Ron in the chest with a finger to emphasize.

Hermione turned on the twins. "And as for you two—_Dumbledorth?"_

"It rhymed with worth!" The twins shouted at the same time.

Hermione gaped at them. "No, it doesn't!"

"It does more than Dumbledore," They pointed out to her.

Hermione slapped her forehead, but refrained from commenting on that.

"You know, Umbridge is probably going to kick us all out of the school," Harry said as they climbed through the portrait hole.

"Yeah," everyone else agreed.

"Who cares?" The twins raised an eyebrow at the other four. Harry, Ron, and Ginny all nodded their agreement, but Hermione looked slightly frightened at the thought of being expelled.

"Mr. Weasley, Mr. weasley, Professor Umbridge would like to see both of you in her office." Professor McGonagall stood in the center of the common room. Fred and George looked at each other, then followed her back out the portrait hole.

* * *

The next evening, the twins walked into the common room with the backs of their hands bleeding profusely. Once the cuts healed a bit, everyone could read what it said:_I will not sing in the Great Hall._

_

* * *

AN: If you want to see this with the end conversation in script form and a little different, look at PookietoyourMaureen's fic, La Vie Boheme Parodies. Please review!_


	2. Voldemort

**DISCLAIMER: We don't wanna--we don't wanna be sued. We're not tryin--tryin to be rude. Cause it ain't funny, we ain't got the money to loooooooose. We never wanted--never wanted to fight legal issues, and misuse, and copyright. If we annoy ya, we ain't got no lawyers to uuuuuuuuse. So understand (Oooh-wah-oooh) that we're just fans (Oooh-wah-oooh), we can't fight the man. So we're playing it safe and taking our whole show down, so there's no show-down. But we'll still stick around. Cause it won't slow us down. It's just for now. So stay tuned. We'll be back here soon. Do do do do do. Do do do do do do do.**

**DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER: That song we used for the disclaimer, which is called The Lawyer Song, was Darren Criss's work. We did not write it. But A) it was stuck in my head B) it worked so well as a disclaimer and C) it was too awesome a song to not use it.**

**DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER: Just kidding, there isn't one. :)**

**This song is a parody of Wonderful from Wicked.**

**We actually rehearsed this, so it either works, we made it work, or it's just awesome in it's not working-ness. SO SUCK IT.**

******

* * *

****VOLDEMORT**

VOLDEMORT:

I never asked for this

Or planned it in advance.

I was merely brought here

By Dumble… er… dance!

HARRY: (spoken, interrupting) Dumbledance?

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) Shut up, Potter.

(sung) I never saw myself

As a sorcerer or Salazar

I knew who I was:

One of your dime a dozen

Pure blood wannabes.

Then suddenly I'm here

Respected—worshipped, even

Just because the pure bloods

Needed someone to believe in

Does it surprise you

I got hooked, and all too soon?

When I'd start to sway

They'd get carried away

And not just by baa-room!

HARRY: (interrupting again) What the hell is a baaroom?

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) Shut _up_, Potter.

(sung) Voldemort.

They called me You-Know-Who

So I said "Voldemort—if you insist.

I will be 'Voldemort'

And then they screamed and ran

Believe me it's hard to resist

'Cause it feels wonderful

They think I'm terrible

Hey, look who's terrible—

This orphan cheater

Who said: "It might be keen

To have a pure blood scene

And a terrible band of Death Eaters!"

(spoken) See—I never had a family of my own. So, I guess I just—wanted no one ELSE to have one, either!

HARRY: (spoken) So you KILLED them?

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) Harry, where I grew up, we weren't _really_ alive to begin with. We called it—"The Orphanage".

(sung) A man's a blood traitor—or mudblood hater

A rich man's a thief—or philanthropist

Is one a crusader—or ruthless invader?

It's all in which label

Is able to CONQUER!

There are precious few at ease

With moral ambiguities

Who the hell wrote this? Severus!

HARRY: (spoken, interrupting AGAIN) Snape wrote this?

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) _Shut up, Potter._

(sung) They call me "You-Know-Who"

Cause I am Voldemort

In fact—it's so much who I am

It is my name

HARRY: (spoken) Your name is Tom Marvolo Riddle.

VOLDEMORT: **SHUT UP, POTTER!**

And with my help, you can be the same

At long, long last receive your mark—

Yes, another!

Harry—the most celebrated

Are the reannihilated

There'll be such a whoop-de-do

A raid throughout Hogwarts

That's all to do—with you!

You-Know-Who

They'll call me You-Know-Who:

HARRY:

Tom, you should eat my shorts!

VOLDEMORT:

Trust me—it's fun!

HARRY:(spoken) It's fun to eat shorts?

VOLDEMORT: **THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!**

When you're with Voldemort

It would be wonderful

Wonderful, Voldemort

One! Two! AND!

_Voldemort and his Death Eaters form a kick line. Harry slowly sneaks away. After the Death Eaters are done dancing, Voldemort turns back towards Harry._

VOLDEMORT: And now, Potter, since you refuse to join me, it's time to die! Ava—Woah, where'd he go?

* * *

Back in the Griffindor common room, Harry told the Weasleys and Hermione what had happened.

"So You-Know-Who asked you to join him," Ron began, "Through _song_?

"Yeah," Harry replied. "Then he and the Death Eaters formed a kick line. Let me tell you, I could have gone without seeing up Bellatrix Lestrange's robes." They gave a collective shudder.

"And… Dumbledance?" Hermione asked, sounding annoyed. "Can _nobody_ get his name right?" She looked pointedly at the twins, who threw their hands up defensively.

"You need to make it rhyme!" Fred protested.

"Yeah, grammar doesn't matter when you is singing." George added.

"When you _is _singing? When you _is?_"

_

* * *

_

_AN: If you want to see the ending a little different, look at PookietoyourMaureen's fic, er... OK, I'm really not sure what this one will be in, because it can't go with her RENT parodies one... Cause it's from Wicked. So I need to figure out what that's called. So, yeah. Review, please!_

_Just found out that it will be called Wicked Song Parodies (OK, duh.) and it will be under the musical, NOT the book, so if you want to look it up be sure to go there._

_If you have any suggestions of songs to parody, please send them in! We'll look them over and maybe do a couple of them. We have a few other songs planned, but I want some ideas just in case._

_Hobey-ho,_

_anti-pookie_


	3. Snuff That Guy

_**DISCLAIMER:** We don't own Harry Potter (Even if Harry only says one word this entire song). We also don't own Urinetown (Although I'm playing the awesomest part in the whole show for school: I'm in the CHORUS!!!!!!!!!).** Well, aren't you cool, miss anti-pookie. =] Alas, I did not get a part in this amazing musical that we don't own. Much like A Very Potter Musical, but I really rather wish we did own it. **I AM cool. Thank you for saying so. **'Cause, you know, we aren't basically the lamest children in the history of the social ladder. **Maybe you are, but I have seniors, juniors, and sophomores who like me! Granted, I have very few freshmen who do...**Yeah...but keep in mind, those are **_**theatre****_ kids, anti-pookie. They aren't exactly high on the social ladder either. But that makes them even awesome-r. _**_Most of them are actually really popular. They're just cool popular people.__** Yes, well, we aren't. That's just my point. I'm not saying we're not amazing though. Because that would be a lie. And you know I never lie to you or our awesome readers. **Alright, well, we probably shouldn't make this disclaimer as long as our first one. People will get bored of us. All I have left to say is that I'm very disappointed in all of you! Only two people sent in a song suggestion! And one of them wasn't even a song that we knew. **But we're not really complaining about not knowing it—Now we just have to see that musical! But seriously, we don't get inspiration out of nowhere. You kinda need to help us out! **So send in some more suggestions. We only have a few more planned. We have Run, Freedom, Run and the Act One Finale from Urinetown, **and I Wanna Be Like Other Girls (Mulan 2 version. No pop songs here. No, no, no, no, no!) **_

_This song is a parody of Snuff That Girl from Urinetown. If you don't know the song, I suggest you look it up on Youtube so you can hear it before reading this. Trust me, it will make a lot more sense if you do. **Personally, I think that the Uarts version is the best, but it probably doesn't matter as long as you hear the song.** _

_**And I really want to give Slytherclaw-girl17 a shout out. **Well, now you did. So yay, you did what you wanted! **Hey, at least it's not going to cause a horrible drought. Anyways, Miss 17 is totally awesome. And we should probably stop talking! Yikes! 435 words! You know, this disclaimer isn't very funny. I wonder how Darren Criss would have done this?... ****Did someone say Darren Criss? But... You're not Darren, you're anti-pookie. **SHHH!! They don't know that!_

_**Important Note: We actually have rehearsed this (As we're going to try and put it on Youtube) so everything either works, we made it work, or is just hilarious in it's not working-ness**. So suck it._

_

* * *

_

**SNUFF THAT GUY**

_The youngest members of the Order of the Phoenix are hiding from the Death Eaters at Number 12, Grimmauld Place. They have taken Draco Malfoy as their hostage. Over the door of the house hangs a sign that says "SECRET HIDOUT: THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX". Fred and George have been trying to convince the others that killing Malfoy is the only way to win this battle._

FRED: Whaddya think they talk about in those quorums they got up there? How awesome we are? So listen up, now! Any second those Voldy's are gonna bust in here and bust us up like a bunch of overripe kumquats.

GEORGE: So I say as long as our juice has gotta spill, all over this floor here, his juice has gotta spill too. Malfoy juice! Then we'll see who's better than who! _He pauses_ That sounded really dirty, didn't it?

GINNY: Just a little.

FRED & GEORGE

Look at him there

All bound up, gagged, and tied

With his head full of air

And his heart full of pride!

Well, boys, we've had enough

Of each arrogant cry!

Bing! Bang! Boom!

Let's get tough

Plain' rough—

snuff that guy!

LUNA

Snuff that guy? But killing people is wrong.

GINNY

Then why does it feel so right?

Look at use here

In a hole, on the lam

With our hearts full of fear—

What a rip! What a sham!

Death Eater's will be here

Bustin' heads mighty quick!

FRED & GEORGE

But we'll beat them to the punch

When we snuff out that D--

HERMIONE: FRED! GEORGE!

GEORGE: What?

FRED: We were just going to say dummy!

GINNY

We tried doing what we should!

FRED & GEORGE

Wasn't glad...

GINNY

Then we learned that feelin' good

FRED & GEORGE

Means doin' bad!

GINNY, FRED, & GEORGE

Quaffles fall close

So they say, to the post

Lookie here, here's a

Goal from Malfoy I boast

I say, he is the ball

And of course, we're the Beaters

He's the reason for the game

So let's snuff that guy!

FRED

Bing!

GEORGE

Bing!

GINNY

A-Bing Bang!

LUNA

Bing Bang!

FRED & GEORGE  
A-Bing Bang Boom!

LEE

Boom!

RON

Boom!

HARRY

Yeah!

GINNY

OK now, snuff!

BILL

Snuff the guy!

HARRY

Yeah!

LUNA & BILL

Snuff the guy!

GEORGE & LEE

Snuff him!

FRED & GINNY

Oh yeah, now go!

RON

Snuff the guy

HARRY

Yeah!

RON, LEE, FRED, GEORGE, & BILL

Snuff the guy!

ALL

Yeah, snuff the guy!

**DANCE BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!**

ALL

This is the end

Wave your wands, cast your spells

In this mis'rable world

It does no good to dwells!

So now, let's live it up

RON

Eat the Steak and Kidney Pie

ALL

And let's get this party jumpin'

FRED & GEORGE

Do it for Dumbly-in

ALL (EXCEPT HERMIONE)

Get this party jumpin'

Yeah, let's snuff that—

Snuff that guy!

* * *

Muffled screaming could be heard coming from Malfoy, the gag over his mouth keeping him from yelling bloody murder.

"Brainless git," Fred muttered, smacking him on the back of the head to shut him up.

"_He's_ the brainless git?" Hermione sounded infuriated.

"Hermione, is this the Dumbledore thing again?" George asked, "Cause you really have to let that go.

"I just don't think it's a very good way to honor his memory!"

"Saying his name wrong?" Ginny asked, confused. "Or killing Malfoy?"

"BOTH OF THEM! He wouldn't want us to become killers!" Hermione looked on the verge of angry tears.

"He'd understand the name thing, though! He'd love it!" The twins said in perfect unison.

"YEAH!" Harry added.

* * *

_Seriously, guys, send in some suggestions! We would greatly appreciate it. Reviews would be appreciated as well, so give us some of those, too._

_Hobey-Ho,_

_anti-pookie_


	4. La Vie Phoenix B

_**Disclaimer: We don't own RENT. **__We don't own Harry Potter. _

_**Important Note: We actually have rehearsed this (As we're going to try and put it on Youtube) so everything either works, we made it work, or is just hilarious in it's not working-ness.**__ So suck it._

* * *

La Vie Phoenix B

_In the Gryffindor common room, the day after the incident in the Great Hall (see chapter one for further details)._

Hermione:

Detention's over?

Fred & George:

Yeah, and by next week

We'll be done with this shit

Harry:

Lucky

Ginny:

And you should see

They've cleared out the Great Hall

And they're rioting out on a spree

Toady called The Squad

Lee:

That fuck

Ginny:

They don't know what they're doing

The Squad is knocking them down

But no one's leaving

They're just sitting there, roaring

All:

Yeah!

To chance!

Harry:

Great way to make a living, autographing,

Pain, Perfection

Ani-morphing, Gryffindoring, short-

Careers, killing horcruxes

All:

Wood!

Katie:

Adventure, medium, quidditch cap,

Sexy Scottish accent!

Ron:

Dark rooms, perfect motion, cheetos,

boobi, jolly wood and--

Hermione:

Ron!

All:

Magic!

Lee:

Spawn of Satan, potion, mathematics,

Isolation,

Swishes, flicking, power, blahblahblah,

And heavy Dumblelation

All:

Anarchy!

Fred & George:

Revolution, justice, screaming for

solutions,

Forcing changes, risk, and danger,

Making noise and making pleas

All:

To werewolves, houselves, Shrek,

halfbloods, too

Lupin:

To me!

Dobby:

Dobby!

Hermione & Dean:

To me!

All:

To you, and you, and you, you and you

To wizards fighting with, fighting with,

fighting with

Not dying from Ol' Voldy

Let he among us, without sin

Be the last to the dicks!

La Vie Phoenix

La Vie Phoenix

La Vie Phoenix

Fred & George:

Anyone of the

Hufflepuffs?

What the Hell is a

Hufflepuff?

Anyone alive—with a

Sex drive

Hermione & Ginny

Tear down the wall

Aren't we all?

The opposite of war

Isn't peace--

It's creation!

All:

La Vie Phoenix

Ron (Spoken):

The riot continues

The Great Hall goes up in flames

The toad dances

Oblivious, Harry and Ginny

Exchange a small, lovely kiss...Oy!

Harry (also spoken):

What? You said a kiss!

Ron (still spoken):

Yeah, not shove your tongue down her throat!

All:

Viva La Vie Phoenix!

* * *

The students all stared awkwardly at each other for a moment, then slowly went back to what they were doing before the random crowd song. Lupin and Dobby quietly melted into the background.

Hermione turned to Ron, a look somewhere between anger and disgust on her face. "You masturbate to _cheetos?"_

"No, I eat them while I'm masturbating, duh!" Ron rolled his eyes ate her.

"Only one boobi?" Fred looked highly confused.

"You do realize we meant _Oliver_ Wood, right?" George jumped into the conversation.

"And you thought of masturbation," Fred finished his twin's thought.

There was a beat while everyone processed that.

"We respect that," They said together, patting Ron on each shoulder.

"I'm gonna go spew now," Ginny said, looking sick.

"It's S-P-E-W, _not spew_!" Hermione shouted.

"What?"

"Oh, nevermind!" She turned on her heel and angrily stalked away. There was another short pause.

"At least she didn't comment on Dumblelation..." Harry said, trying (and failing) to interject some humor into the situation.

"I heard that!" They all winced at the angry sound of Hermione's voice. Hermione's wrath was not something you wanted to be on the receiving end of.

* * *

_Hey! I'm so, so sorry for the long wait. We've been having writer's block, and we've been really busy. But, don't worry! I promise we'll start to update more frequently. These take a while to write, but we have a few good ideas for what to do next, so expect more chapters sooner. We won't take 7 months to update this time. Hopefully. :) So, as always, any suggestions you have will be greatly appreciated and given serious thought. Also, if you have a specific idea for what to do with a song, tell us about that, too. These plots don't just write themselves, you know! _

_Also, as usual, if you want to see the ending a bit different and in script form, check out PookietoYourMaureen's fic, Rent Song Parodies. _

_Read, review, love it or else. You know the drill. _

_Hobey-ho,_

_anti-pookie_


	5. Tell Him It's Magic

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Urinetown. Well, I own the books and a Cd, but... you know what I meant. Yeah. Enjoy!**

******Important Note: We actually have rehearsed this (As we're going to try and put it on Youtube) so everything either works, we made it work, or is just hilarious in it's not working-ness. **So suck it.  


* * *

HAGRID

He said:

Tell him it's magic

Tell him that he is a wizard

And I will see him in a magic place

Where hope is always new

Theirs was a short time

Theirs was a love that never bloomed

Yet in that love there lives

A brand new hope

A calling out for you

Its call is soft and gentle

Tame and fine

It's docile and benign

DUMBLEDORE

A magic Dumble-dine

What can I say? Our walls greatly adorned

Our ghosts are all forlorn

There is no time to mourn

DUMBLEDORE & HAGRID

You're not a muggle-born

HAGRID

You're not.

HARRY

You're not a muggle-born? What did he mean by that?

HAGRID

Yer a wizard, Harry.

HARRY

What do you mean, "a wizard"? Like, a whiz? A whiz at what? And who the hell is Dumble-dine?

HAGRID

Wait. Wait, please. There's more. He said…

Tell all the Dursleys

Tell them to go an f*** themselves

Tell we will fight for

What we know is right

DUMBLEDORE

The future's rather bright

I see four houses

I see them standing hand in hand

DUMBLEDORE & HAGRID

I see them standing hand in hand

And cheek to cheek and gland to gland

There still is hope I see it in this school

HAGRID

If we-

HARRY

Yes?

DUMBLEDORE & HAGRID

If we-

ALL

Yes?

HAGRID

Bring the Boy Who Lived.

* * *

"…And that's how it happened!" Harry finished recalling the moment he was told about Hogwarts with a flourish.

"Really? I just got a boring old letter!" Seamus said with awe in his voice. The other nodded enthusiastically, except for Ginny, who just looked confused.

"Why did it sound like a dying song?" she asked. Ron gasped and shot her an outraged look.

"Stupid sister! Dumbledore's never gonna _die_!" He said angrily.

"Even Dumbledore pronounces his name wrong?" Hermione said, an annoyed look on her face. "_Honestly!_"

The twins glanced at each other before turning to her with identical smirks. "Told you he'd think it was funny," They said in unison.

* * *

_Yeah, sorry this took so long to get up. We've both been really busy this summer. As usual, if you want to see the ending in script form, check out PookietoyourMaureen, yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill. As always, reviews are encouraged and suggestions taken to heart. So, yeah. I love to hear from you guys! See you soon!_

_Hobey-ho,_

_anti-pookie_


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